Hello everyone! Welcome to My Notes on Becoming, a place for me to share my experiences, my narratives, my thoughts, and anything else that might encourage or inspire others. I was heavily questioning what I wanted to do for this first blog post. I wasn’t sure if I should start by going in deep and talking about depression and anxiety. I didn’t know if I should just start off lighter and talk about future ambitions and law school. However, after a lot of contemplation, I’ve decided to just write and see where my thoughts take me. I set a 25 minute pomodoro timer, and I am just going to write for these 25 minutes. My true, raw, unedited notes.
You know, it’s hard being depressed when you feel like there is no reason for you to be depressed. I think about what is happening in Gaza, in Palestine, and in so many other places in the world. Women being treated as objects, people losing loved ones to war and chaos. Governments being torn to the ground, hurting the innocent without thought. It often makes me wonder: why am I allowed to be depressed, and to feel depressed when I am not in the midst of all of that? I’ve been told once that depression is relative to your own lived experiences. So while I may not be going through extreme heartache, based on what I have been through, I am depressed. And, in a way, I’m allowed to have these feelings and feel these feelings without shame. So yes, I am depressed and anxious. I’ve had these feelings for years. I’m 22 years old now, but I remember this darkness even back when I was 12. Darkness. A void that I can never seem to pick myself out of. I go through periods where I am happy and content and feeling like I’m on top of the world. Then it all goes away, and I am back in the pit of it. The thoughts come back in full force, making me anxious about the future and stressing about the past. The constant mind chatter that never seems to turn off, never giving me a little bit of room for peace.
Wow… that got dark.
Anyway, while I have these feelings, I think this is the most okay I’ve ever felt in my life. You’re probably thinking, “This is her okay?” Yes, indeed, this is me okay. Because for the first time in my life, while I am in the void and while the thoughts are attempting to pick away at my soul, I can actually see light. Before this point, the void was just the void. Endless darkness. When I had my happy periods, I was still in the void, but just in a nicer area that wasn’t so depressing. However, I think I can finally see light. And I figured this blog would be a good way for me to show you how I finally found some light in the darkness. Some sunshine in the storming rain. The bright stars in the deep, night sky.
So, welcome to My Notes on Becoming. The posts will be kind of random but intentional for the most part. I want to share these feelings alongside my law school journey, my hobbies, and anything else that may be influencing my life. Why? Because honestly, why not? So welcome, everyone! I’m so excited to see where this journey leads.
-Gabrielle Samone Gunn
P.S. My 25-minute timer still hasn’t gone off, which is crazy! I feel like I’ve been typing forever lol.
Thank you for this!